My claim to fame is that I was the first person to use the term ‘pants’ in a post-modern manner. I actual fact, I coined the term ‘Pance’ but as it’s been taken up by trendy types it’s actually lost it’s comedic cache and it’s correct pronunciation. So the next time you hear someone saying something is ‘Pants’ tell them ‘No, actually it’s a pile of “Pance”’…pedantic but right.   

News. 

I'm currently making a 'Yorath Cake' it's a kind of grey cake with wire and partial grit aggregate in it.

Update: Yorath cake a great succes. Inedible!

The BeardCombination. A Fully Integrated Cassock-Based Limbic System with the occasional Casual Overlord Tendencies. "Fuck that.I 'm Chocolated" Full Stop. Brother Marcus Membrane. 

All new Nige Myspace music: http://www.myspace.com/nigebuckland

Well, actually it's old music. Songs recorded about 5yrs ago at a pals studion in Cardiff....

All new, Peruvian Hipsters Myspace page comin' soon, with new batch of old songs, thanks to Ashley sendin' me a CD packed wiv Hipster rarities. Some of which I'd completly forgotten!

http://www.myspace.com/theperuvianhipsters

And let's not forget the lyricless jazz-noise-excusions of a couple of years ago.

http://www.myspace.com/dogsizedcat

Welcome to ‘Ask The Doctor’. It’s JUST that. Ask the fucking doctor. 

Hi Doc,

I'm overweight, and I don't really care. What you got to say about that?

Doctor Richard Stumplover: Nothing keep up the good work.

Dear peaceloving doctor,

I’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older I’m less able to properly close my arsehole after having a shit. It takes ages to clean my ringpiece; sometimes I have a fucking shower, as it’s quicker and easier than using half a rainforest of recycled bogroll to slop up the mucky arse miasma… What can I bastarding do about it? 

Thank you, 

Tilly Dreghorn

PS: Sorry about the swearing, I’m deeply fucking upset as fuck.

--------------------------------------

Doctor Bastard Lovechild: 

Simply everybody’s doing the Pelvic Thrust this spring Tilly. And not just Presidents wives and bummers! So why not join in? Next time you in a cashpoint queue or having lunch with a close friend, clench and unclench your back/buttockall area… Tilly, your sphincter is the well tuned winking brown eye of…well if not the soul, then certainly the COLON.  

Only last night I was waiting for some depressed looking barmaid to serve me in the pub, she was just stood there texting on her mobile phone, and I was just waiting there, like a lemon. But instead of getting angry, I began simply clenching and unclenching my rectum.  It’s therapeutic, not just for your arsehole but for your emotional well being too. Not to mention your bogpaper-carbon footprint. Tilly, you old fucking Shitarse! 

Hello Doctor Lovechild,

I’ve always been… well, if not downright ugly, then certainly plain looking and very slouchy and a bit of a downer to be honest. I thought plastic surgery might be an answer? I’m loaded and I don’t know what to spend it on, so I thought I might get a new nose, chin, eyebrow set and scrotal sac reduction. What do you suggest? 

Generic Thanking Gesture

George Clooney 

---------------------------------------  

Go for it George. But why not branch out a little and forego the formulaic cosmetic affectations of our current timid culture and have a spot of radical human exoskeletal restructuring? Maybe a pair of buffalo horns? Or some gills? I’m getting some transparent skin grafting so I can actually view my internal organs whilst they work!

Dear Doctor Raspnectar
I'm made of sand and glass, I don't like the sound I make when I speak outdoors. I'm a sort of rubble based being. At least in my minds eye. Thanks Randall Klepper

 Mr Klepper: Forget about all that SHIT and eat some fucking biscuits!

 

Russell T Davies; DR Who Confidential Russell T Davies, sitting in his office dressed like Caligula, his laptop screensaver has images of Michelangelo’s' Adonis and the Athena male models scrolling through the back of shot…

“I’m Russell T Davies, and I’m a fucking genius right. I want the next ‘Who’ shot in fuckin’ Namibia with the Tardis materialising inside a fuckin’ elephants brain and ‘Who’ French kissing a shape shifting planetoid made of ....of...bastard spoons, whilst Big Ben is shot into fuckin' space and impregnates an Alien Pod of mutants that have evolved from fuckin'...fuckin'...er I don't know...Fuckin' grass okay? No. I don’t care how shit the scripts are getting’ or how profligate I'm becomin' with Licence Payers Money. I RULE THE BBC OKAY? Just DO IT! Get fucking Mirren I want her dressed as a SLUG”