Terrible harrowing images of emaciated people on this morning's news.
Yes, that Natasha Kaplinski and Sian Williams are a couple of bulimic looking skanks aren't they?
Still perhaps it's the BBC doing a bit of the old 'Positive Discrimination' and employing people with obvious eating disorders.
Sian Williams has the shoulders of a sickly 9 nine year-old albino.
“Beware of the Snob”
sign outside posh residence…(A picture of a snobby bastard is on the gate/in the window)
A Small expedition trek across a frozen Arctic landscape.
One of the group spots something in the distance.
He takes a look through his binoculars.
We see through the binocular POV a white bear in the snow. (It’s someone in a bear suit!)
The bear is talking to itself…
“I’m amphibious, all bears are. But I’M ambidextrous too I can catch fish with either or (manic laugh) Ha Ha Ha Haaaa.. I was the Best-In-Show 2003 ‘bear-in-the-air awards’ a ‘Hang-10’ flying bear. I can see through solid rock and generate heat by thought alone. I’m made of steel and wire wool.. I played bass and wrote all the hits for Shed 7… I have healing hands…I’m the 1st born of the 1st son… etc.
Binocular bloke turns to the others and says quietly
‘Truly amazing… It’s the first time I’ve ever seen one in the wild. Stupendous.’
The others ask,
“Well, what is it”?
“A Bi-Polar Bear”
Cuts back to bear:
“I taught Larry Adley mouth organ… I’m great in bed…I killed JFK…I was the 1st Teddy Boy, I told Ghandi what to say…Ha Ha Ha I’m crying inside…etc..
FYI. Symptoms of bipolar disorder…
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings-from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.)
“Hello Is that ‘Accident Direct’?
Yes? Good. I’d like to make a claim. Someone has INJURED MY PRIDE AND HURT MY FEELINGS’..How much can I get? Hello? Hello…
ARMY ADVERT JOKE:
Shot in the style of a military recruitment advert with loud music and hand-held ‘Night-Vision’ camerawork.
“Can you negotiate your way thru some of the worst inner city urban situations and still arrive at the allotted time and place…
ON TIME & IN ONE PIECE?”
“Do you know the Gross-National-Product of certain sub tropical countries?”
“Are you able to pick your way through the finer points & intricacies of international import law?”
“Are you able to think on-your-feet, and convert Metric to Imperial in the blink of an eye?”
Can you keep a cool head in a tense situation?”
(Going through Customs)
If you answered ‘YES’ to the above questions,
then maybe you should consider an exciting career as an International Drug Dealer-
Great rates & commission based earnings.
Phone 0800 696969 now for a brochure. Remember,
….‘A stranger is just someone who hasn’t scored off you yet’…
60 second News
(Jo Whiley voiced trendy estuary accented media wanka has ‘confessional’ on live telly when the auto-cue breaks down)
“Hello I’m Tamzin and this is your 60 second news update”
(Crashing SFX & camera wobble. We hear someone off-camera say ‘The Auto-cues’ gone down’
Tamzin look frightened, her eyes dart around, she starts her news round up)
“I never use public transport”
“I only socialise with work colleagues”
“My work colleagues names are Miles, Giles, Matt, Sam, Adam, Jo, Zizi & Zoë”
“Dan, my boyfriend, is a director on T4”
“Mummy breeds Labradors in the Home Counties”
My brother Henry, had a mental breakdown after daddy tried to force him into the military”
“Ironically he’s now a Superstar DJ...my brother that is, not daddy!”
“I drive a Smart car…It has a mind of it’s own, and a big personality. Like Me!”
(Tamzin Looks uncomfortable and shuffles off)
(Very earnest & arty performance piece with percussionist for BBC4 tartan as-fuck with performance artistes ‘enacting’ the poetry)
“Who’d win in a fight between
Robbie Williams and Rabbie Burns?”
Who’d win in a fight between Robbie Williams and Rabbie Burns?
The prancing tattooed dancer versus the bawdy ploughman romancer.
When Rock DJ has been and gone and Millennium was just some song-
but ‘A Man’s A Man’ and ‘Auld Lang’s Syne’ go on and on and on and on…..and on…
400 of Rabbies’ songs and poems remain to carry into the next millennium whilst Robbie ripped off john Barry, ‘Angels’ being his only hardy perennial.
Robbies’ oeuvre stretches from A to B songs about love and songs about ‘me’
whilst Rab wrote Of Mice and Men, Sex, Haggis, Beer and Sex again.
So pause on ‘Burns Night’ and think of the man that’s so much part of the Scottish Nation-
Not frozen in the aspic of middle class gentrification
Rab toiled, he tiled, he drank, he shagged
But crucially He Wrote It Down
Seconds away, round ten to Rab (someone call a cab)
Robbie’s down and out again
“Who’d win in a fight between Dylan Thomas and Daniel Bedingfield”
(We’ll never know ‘cos fuck-all rhymes with Bedingfeild)
Indie wankers:1. 2/3
characters arguing the merits of‘cool’ bands
“T In The Park? God Noooo waaaayyy…! Glastonbury? FUCK RIGHT OFF. Listen. If I wanted to stand in some dusty/muddy field, surrounded by thick nutters, getting wasted & deafened, eating crap food & fighting, I’d join The Territorial Army. At least then I’d learn to shoot a gun & drive a tank!
Others: “Yeah Right On! Lock&Load!”
1“If ‘Throat Farmer’ aren’t playing. What’s the fackin’ point then eh?
2‘Digestion-Pellet’ ain’t on-tha-fackin’ bill neither!”
“Guys. I’ve got the new ‘Grabby Aunt’ CD.
2“Cor…Cool…er…Who are they?!”
Hoodie ned/chav types with camera-phone mobiles.
VIDEOGRAPHING THEIR ‘Happy-Slapping’ STUNTS..
“Look here comes one now. Get ready to ‘ave ‘im”…
But. They are performing random acts of kindness. IE: helping old ladies across the road, holding the door open for someone. Letting someone go in front of them in the queue So…Eventually they’re seen helping to fill in tax forms, polishing someone’s shoes cleaning a car, washing windows…Plastering a wall…painting the Forth Road Bridge…Cleaning out the inside of a fake leg (dry boaking as they do it)
*Extreme Sports Video* with the same idea as above…they go out and sweep up broken glass…clean up public/civic areas…
BEWARE OF THE SNOB:
STRAIGHT DOWN THE LENS 1.
(Sweet music, a smug person sitting in a kitchen/designer flat, turns pretentiously to the camera and says…)
“You must have been walking around with a bag over your head if you’ve failed to notice the proliferation of coffee bars that have sprouted up the length and breadth of the British High St…
…Hoping to slake our thirst for the humble coffee bean… and I guess, hoping too that we imbibe some of that ‘cool coffee bar’ ambience.
(The idyllic music is ripped off the turntables AND In a Churchilian bellow)
“NEVER!!” Do you think that a sip of espresso is going to turn you into a passionate European? Pontificating emotionally as you argue about philosophy & football?
Or turn you into a LOUD opinionated American demanding a refill gratis like they get in the states?
No. WE’RE UGLY NASTY REPRESSED BRITS. A LATTE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF THE PROTESTANT WORK ETHIC, CALIVINISM, CATHOLIC GUILT AND BAD GENETICS. ….
…..Britain is the home of traditional bad service provided by ugly nasty resentful people. I DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A NICE DAY WITH MY PANINI, I WANT A CUP OF UHT TEPID TEA WITH A LIMP HAM & CANCER SANDWICH AND I WANT TO WAIT FORTY-FIVE FUCKING MINUTES FOR IT!
The Emotional Security Guards.
They patrol a shopping mall.
They confront shoppers who are lingering and browsing…But, The Emotional Security Guards go up to people and offer ‘The Emotional Security’ of ‘Comfort Blankets’ IE HUGGING THEM…
Emotional Security Guard 1
“Hello, we couldn’t help but notice you’ve been browsing the window of Burton’s Menswear for about 10 minutes now. Are you familiar with the old saying that everyone has a song or a book in them?
Here’s a pen and some paper, why not give it a try! Go-on, Make a start on your song or book right now
ESG1 “It’s OK to cry”
I’m not as verbal as Tim here, I prefer a more tactile approach (Hugs shopper & strokes his head all the while humming a comforting tune in his ear)
We go back to the Shopping Mall later and see the ESG’s trying to get shoppers to fall backwards into their arms in a ‘trust exercise’
Street Soul Singer
Singing a mad jazz/scat thing. Hands are mimicking all the notes that the singer generally fails to hit.
“Whooaa glart cloot”..THANK YOU. No really thank you… That was my own improvised ‘soundclash’ of ‘Nice One Cyril’ And ‘Firestarter’…. I don’t actually get all the notes right. But I do the hand gestures. And that’s all that matters really. It’s all about feeling the music…I’m going freestyleee on the lyrical content…whooo…glart clart …glip…
(Does the hand gestures whilst making a damned awful din!)
‘Thank You. Yeah, that was
BEWARE OF THE SNOB:
Straight Down The Lens 2.
“Really…I mean I… I don’t know about the afterlife or God or Whatever. I just hope that when it’s… that time. That time for me to shrug off ‘this mortal coil’. Well…I hope that I’ll be able to download my consciousness onto a computer hard-drive and live-on inside a virtual realty world forever… Perhaps taking the form of a multi-tentacled sex-beast…
Studio Based technical ‘Tomorrow’s World’ Programme for gadget geeks
“I’m modelling the very latest in modern underwear. Nano-Pants. That’s Right! Pants that are impregnated with tiny micro-organisms. Organisms that actually farm the bacteria from the fabric of your undergarments…. Look. (Extreme C/U) The gusset is teaming with the little tykes. Nano-mites. They’ll keep the same pair of pants clean indefinitely! No more soiled knickers. The more you sweat and ‘compromise’ your nether region the harder they work! Literally eating the dead matter from your ‘dark star’ and surrounding environs.
”the Nano-mites have become sentient and are currently burrowing through my nubbin-stump fast heading westwards to my ‘Dartford’
Renegade Sign Language Person
The/a Film is showing a love scene but the sign
Language person is telling the people (through
Signing!) To kill Fern Cotton & Natasha Kaplinski.
To the tune of petshopboys ‘west-end-girls’
(Starts ‘rapped’ softly spoken)
‘Walkin’ down Tha Byres Road of your own accord,
Then you’re confronted by an Off-Road SUV Pram,
Carrying a very precocious load…
It’s a West-End-Mum with her Off-Road Pram
Keepin’ Wee Hector Nice a Warm,
It’s a West-End Mum with her poncho on,
Made from REAL Alaskan yak Wool..
Alaskan Yak Wool..
Super foods, organic brown rice only breathable natural fabrics for little Alice,
Sustainable biscuits, oatmeal tea, biodegradable Nappies,
For little Molly a beatific smile, for the rest of the World abject suspicious & hostile,
WEST END MUMS 1
Two or three mums talking about the merits of their
Cars…camera pulls out to reveal they are actually
Talking about their prams.
‘The Camachero has roll bars and a stopping distance
Of less than a metre!’
“Well the ‘Ramp-It Seven’ has cruise control, anti-lock
brakes and built in pedometer!’
“The Tuff-Tot-10 has a fucking sunroof, DVD
Player and a fully functioning toilet”
All the mums look to see an impossibly beautiful young-mum with her baby in a papoose. They say in unison…
WEST END MUMS 2
Glossy looking soft-focus shots of a mum in her kitchen with lush music.
“Of course I grow all my lettuce and basil in a perma-culture natural window box! ‘Topher only eats Soya paste Thru a funnel, he’s yeast intolerant and allergic to All Religion.”
WEST END MUMS 3
Two mums are looking down at ‘artworks’…
‘I think this expresses the artists inner rage and rejection of conventional art form’
“I think of it as an ‘Internal Rorschach Inkblot Test’ but not a test.
Tests are too ‘Value-Bound’ & Bourgeoisie. No, it’s more of an….
more an extrusion of real gut feeling…
(We see a…Nappy full of shit)
“Looks, to me, a bit like Che Guevara.
Or the dead one of the Bee Gees”
‘Yeah, Maurice. I
COMEDY MASTERCLASS 1
“WELCOME to ‘Comedy’: The Master Class. I’m your spirit guide to a wild world of gags and mirth, Noel Clip-Art.
It’s so very hard to put one’s finger on its fickle pulse. To get a real measure of it’s palpitating temple. Change ONE THING and it’s not funny anymore…
Change a few letters and it’s not even ‘comedy’. It’s …’dromedary’…what’s that class? Anyone know? Anyone guess?
Student 1 isn’t a dromedary a one-humped-camel?
Noel: ‘yes. A single hump. Potentially funny. The Mono-hump has a singular comedic possibility. But it’s needs to be tweaked & tuned to greatness. However, a stuffed Hare with a pair of nailed on Doctor Marten Boots…. (It’s wheeled out)
Now That’s Comedy…
‘Or, a oversized babies head gaffa-taped to some skates…(wheeled out)
Or a dog’s head peeping out of a bit of tube…KILLER!
COMEDY MASTERCLASS 2
Innuendo & euphemism
“Innuendo is a firm favourite in the UK. Dictionary Definition:’ Oblique Hint’ or ‘Allusive Remark’ so instead of dictionary definition I might’ve said ‘dic-def’…Ha HA AH AH (falls on decidedly unimpressed ears)
‘Euphemism’ To substitute mild vague or roundabout expression for harsh or blunt one’ Hence.. ‘I nearly compromized my 'tasker' then! tasker? PENIS to you or I...
THESE WORDS/THESE CLOTHES
(Natasha Bedingfield PISSTAKE)
“Got my trousers ‘round ma arse-
I’m nasal mockney middle class-
I'm dippy hippy and slightly trippy
I’m in therapy ‘cos I’m so lippy-
BUT THESE CLOTHES ARE OXFAM
At least they look like they are-
Actually they’re Issy Myake-Myake- Myake
1980's German Neu Muzik Show
(IE: A shameless excuse to take the piss out of the clichéd notions that ALL Germans listen to harsh industrial music, have no sense of humour and are purveyors of the ugliest/nastiest porn in the universe)
1980’s GERMAN NEU Muzik Show
Shot on Video (or degraded in post production to make it look old and fuzzy)
Presented by ‘Futurist Dominatrix Rubber Fetishist Helga Rom’
“Goodenatggg Velcomen to Shlatterfunktion”
(Terrible turn to 2nd camera)
“I am Helga Rom.. Please (shouts) listen to…’Rhomboid’
(3 person synth band with terrible song and disgusting guts & arses hanging out of tight PVC suits)
“Quadrilateral paraplegiastical spasma typical steroidal mystical-METAL MAN MACHINE HYBRID SEXUAL DREAM”
Cut To: Helga Rom’s BAD Robotic dancing.
Helga: ‘Next! Listen to “MummyStroker’
(3-person synth pop band consisting of bearded women and men in nappies)
‘Aggravation-Demonstration- Isolation-Masturbation-Alienation Alien Nation..EAT MY ASS.. EAT MY ASS…etc. (Plenty of hairy ass crack on show here methinks…)
Eclecticus Buckland 2005