939016 fine fellows have paid their respects thus far...
Film rant in character as mad socipathic lecturer

A lecturer in a class full of trendy media students and this is the ‘lecture’…

“Get out of here and have sex! Yes you heard. (he pulls out a dildo)  Stick that up your arse. Go and bollock yourself Go on, you fucking tit. Shit-off, outa my way, you blackened cadavers

(Whereupon, the by-now hysterical ‘lecturer’ runs off out of the classroom)

Piece to camera by hybrid ‘melded’ version of Mark Cousins and Mark Kermode ‘academic’ arsey type.

 “These days,  everything’s user friendly. Downsized, compact, easy to operate and simple to use…. … Camera’s, editing software, sound effects, drugs, women, biscuits …everything is getting reduced… we’re fascinated by tiny things…(trails off)…they say the Japanese are into micronisation because they’re used to dealing with small things like rice seeds so, they are adept at handling minute sized things…. …With the huge proliferation of digital cameras and camera-phones, you’d think someone would get a decent picture of a UFO or Big Foot or something but alas, NO. We still have crappy pictures of ‘Nessie’ taken in the 1950’s…’cos no-one can be arsed to do anything anymore, ‘cos you’re all soft boned-spoon fed scum, Brought up in centrally heated ‘safe houses’, You fucking weaklings. Whad’a’ya’ gonna do? Whip out your anal tampon and throw it at me!? Sorry… I got a little ‘off –message’ there. …But what’s STILL REALLY difficult is a GOOD SCRIPT WELL WRITTEN…. … Sheesh, It’s The Same-old-same-old….

Sorry, I went a bit ‘Jew’ then, Shakespeare said ‘Brevity is the soul of wit’ If he’d been Jewish he’d have said ‘Short’s-Funny’.

“Hollywood’s always crying out for good scripts. Something exciting and ‘different’… Something that challenges the formulaic film-by-numbers stuff that they get proffered”

What a load of lying self-congratulatory reach-‘round wankfest touchy feely bum boy arse juice! They want whatever the fucking fuck worked in the last film that stretched their narrow conservative notions of storytelling and opened wallets, purses (and packets of popcorn at £3-45 a ‘pop’ for a medium sized box,) at the multi-plexes… …But not so much that they can’t attach some simpering twat like Christina Ricci to it and THEN have the audacity to claim that they’re making movies ‘outside the box’…

 These days…everyone wants to get a job in ‘The Movies’… writing scripts, being feted, highly regarded, eating in the best restaurants, mixing with the right kind of high powered movers & shakers from ‘the industry’… What’s the matter with you? are you fuckin’ deluded? In Hollywood, there’s about 24 thousand scripts handed into agents every year and out of this huge swathe of, LET’S BE GENEROUS, tat, a tiny portion get green lighted and made into films. A tinier portion of those made into films get a movie house release. SO…. Are you ready to get this into your thick conflicted skulls? YOU HAVE Very-VERY LOW ODDS OF GETTING your magnum opus: “Shitter’s Nape” made into a film and shown up there on the big screen. OK?

That’s the FIRST LESSON. Calm Down. Now we’ve got the fact that it’s a mythic landscape populated by self-deluded wishful thinkers out of the way, we can move on to the stuff you can do…


 That’s the best advice I ever got. And I’m passing in onto you sad-sacks. Now fuck away with you all. You’re all in love with the Idea of being in the film business. ‘Yeah, I’m a player, a mover-and –shaker… a fucking whore buying into all the ‘sexy’ ‘driven’ work-hard-play-hard Cock&Balls DO you want to ‘arrive’ hard bitten, giving  your minions festeringly evil bollockings and making underlings cry? Well, that proves that you simply DON’T HAVE sufficient personality to rise above the nasty stereotype of a hateful bully terrorizing those you deem bottom feeders on the film food chain.

 But the point is this: The Movie Industry is built on dreams and the biggest dream of all is the one you’re currently having about having a stake in it. SO, Let’s make movies!

Example : Bryan Singer SUCKS. I know he’s ‘hot’ but when you actually sit through X-men 1 & 2 you realize he has no real idea what he’s fucking doing. The movies start well, with smaller mini-movies in-built, like 10 minute vignettes that are good, in a pop video/hard action kind way…Wolverine’s entrance in the cage in X1, His fight scenes are good. Nightcrawler’s Oval Office intro in X2

 but then, both films turn into endlessly repetive ‘countdown to the end of the world’ stuff as they inevitably do. For the last 30/40 minutes they’re not ‘films’ but a series of ascending chords played on a cheesy organ at a baseball game celebrated by dead-eyed ‘cine-lit’-zombies, (critics) and watched by a horde of malformed mutated babies screeching at the sight of a building sized turd loping towards them. Nothing more. And this guy is a success? Yeah Right. So there’s your inspiration... if Singer can make it. So can you. He’s a fucking scab on my fucking arm.....

Jesus. sorry it needs editing.. (deleting?)

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