EVERYONE'S ASKING IF I'LL DO FILM REVUES...I SURELY WILL AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
In the meantime, here's abit of advice for anyone wanting a quick guide to a movies potential quality...
If it's British and BAFTA Nominated it's shite. You can have that free gratis.
Bunch of middle class twats preside over short film/movie judging panel.
Judging as to what gets ‘green lighted’ and goes into production,
to then get funded by ‘Scottish Scream’ and lottery money.
Three or four media types at table:
‘Next up, we’ve got ‘Ratboy’ by Hannah Smythe Mackenzie McGill, the harrowing tale of a young working class boy coming of age, whose life spirals out of control when he witnesses his best friend getting hooked on suppositories. He watches powerless as his single parent mother blows all her income support money on scratch cards, illegal McSmirnoff Vodka & Lidl potato salad. Then his long lost dad gets out of prison and turns out to be a Celtic supporter!
CHARACTER 2: ‘Excellent! Gritty and sooo real eh? (He gets into it and does a whimsical little demonstration)
“Yes, I see it now, Rostrum camera slowly panning across washing line at back of tenement building…disused Clyde-side crane in back of shot! ‘Bairns’ crying as parents have a loud ‘domestic’ in upstairs flat’
CHARACTER 3: ‘Bafta here we come! Yeah, OK, let’s push that through ‘cos really, if you think about it, THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MIDDLE CLASS MEDIA TYPES MAKING FILMS ABOUT THE WORKING CLASS IN SCOTLAND IS THERE.
ALL CHARACTERS: ‘SO TRUE’ (They then applaud themselves!)
That’s going ahead! MORE WINE ‘TOPHER? (Quaff Quaff Quaff) Much backslapping ensues.
CHARACTER 1: Next we have a great bit of urban alienation written by Miles Giles McHector called ‘Dead Arm’ ‘Yanto’ our anti-hero gets addicted to his girlfriends birth control tablets. So he starts replacing them with M&M’s. The Girlfriend gets pregnant-the boyfriend leaves her ‘cos he can’t take the responsibility and then his father gets out of prison and beats him to a bloody pulp resulting in a coma. But, whilst comatose, Yanto has an epiphany, he then, wakes up, kicks the birth control tablets gets back with the mother of his child and signs on for invalidity benefit as his fathers beatings have left him paralysed down one side
CHARACTER 2: ‘Ah I see ‘DEAD ARM’!! Very clever!
CHARACTER 3: Ah I see! I think? So now he’s a burden on society but a legitimate one as he’s literally and physically incapable of work- & not just a leachy sponger
ALL ‘YES!’ Quaff quaff, back-slappage..
This one’s from Muckle McMannus a reformed career criminal who now travels the world doing lecture tours reading from his book ‘Arse Backwards’-A life in prison’