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FOOTBALL
LOOK. I’ve never been a follower of football. As a kid I played plenty of it, but I never ‘graduated’ to being a fully-fledged follower/fanatic, unlike 98% of men in the UK.

OK, I went to see Cardiff/Tewksbury (Tewksbury?) aged about 14 or 15 yrs old. We spent the whole afternoon running to-and-from-after-and-away-from other lads…I’d have preferred to be browsing the Alternative Singles Charts In Spillers Records and chatting up girls…

I remember one of the first ‘Football’ middle class turds getting all-macho and arsey in a pub in Cardiff dismissively suggesting that I liked ‘The Arts’ instead of football. This? From a posh toff who’s now probably working in S4C or C4! I wish I’d put the head in him.

This football indifference is now compounded by the fact that I live in Glasgow, one of the most football-centric cities in bastard Britain.

When I first moved up here I’d often get asked what team I supported, and at first I’d say ‘no-one in particular’ but then the questioner would think I was hedging my Celtic/Rangers ‘Old Firm’ bets to avoid a conflagration.

No bloke could actually believe that I truly didn’t like football. It’s not that I actively don’t like soccer; I don’t have some psycho/social theory as to the pre-eminence of football in modern-mass-macho culture…. No, I’m just absolutely fucking indifferent. But no-one believes indifference. Honestly you’d get an easier ride being a paedophile-priest that a non-footie loving male in Scotland.

QUESTION: You’re wonderin’ why I’m talking about ‘soccer’ when I’m not in the least interested in it?

 ANSWER: I got a call out of the blue from Granada Television about 2 years ago asking me to partake in a programme for Sky on Football Fanatics. I said ‘yes’..,‘cos I say ‘yes’ to everything & then worry as to whether I can do it later…

I was flown to London and taxied to a sweltering nightclub basement to recount my tales of early footie fanaticism…Unbeknownst to the director, on the way to the interview I’d been frantically phoning Steve ‘Womble’ Webb an ex-football hooligan who still lives back in the Rhondda. I picked Steve’s brains for old stories and incidents from back in his travel-the-length & breadth of the UK following some fuckin’ numb-nut-team-fighting-nutter days, which I simply recounted verbatim for the interview! What a rollover and suck-it-whore…whatever.

Anyhoots the bloody thing’s airing on rotation on Sky 3 10pm on Friday’s (next on: 28th May 226) It’s called ‘FOOTBALL’S HARDEST AWAY DAYS’. I’ve already had a text from my brother and the postman saw it. So it’s getting out to its target demographic!

Christ knows what I’ve said, and what they’ve cut in/out of context from my ‘interview’ but it’s fucking out-there. In the interests of some sort of dialogue, discussion or debate, if anyone has any theories and stories regarding football or sport in general then this is the bastard ‘thread’ for it. Jump in Padre.

For the record: Like DJ-ing and cookery, Football has been taken-up and HIJACKED by middle class males desperate for some form of camaraderie and passion in their lives. Media sport coverage is now at epidemic proportions replacing politics/philosophy/art/music, as the pre-eminent ‘love’ for young men the world over. WTF. I said I didn’t give a toss.

Noam Chomsky railed against persistent notions of Dumbing Down in the USA. He said that if you tuned in to any of the multiplicity of sports channels on cable TV you’d hear pundits offering many and varied in-depth, committed, passionate and intelligent opinions. Why does sport stand head-and-shoulders above all else? And why not love, art, poetry and life per-se?

See? I SAID have no-real theory! I can hear you sayin’ “Die Hippy Scum” already… Help me to evolve something here…

Update: Just listened to Jo ‘sugar coated snot string’ Whiley reading out texts from R1 listeners regarding how ‘incommunicado’ they’ll be during World Cup month. You know the kind of thing….

“If you need help putting out the fire in the kitchen, don’t expect any during England vs Belarus” Jesus. It’s just ONE BIG STUPID Pantomime.
 
 
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