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  Self proclaimed ‘Wrong Side of the Tracks’ member of ‘The Fun Loving Criminals’ Lead singer Huey, was left red faced after an outdoor festival in Mannheim Germany at the weekend. After the band played a storming set Huey went out into the bright afternoon sun to celebrate and soon was slightly the worst for wear downing several Steins of strong German Lager Beer with eager fans and festival goers. Huey then moved onto large glasses of an apple based liqueur and started to smoke Cuban cigars before falling into a comatose slump at the bottom of a field and rolling into a ditch by a canal . A festival goer was wandering around in a state of some agitation because he couldn’t find a vacant toilet and wandered into the canal area and mistook Huey’s slavering face for a portaloo and went to the toilet right on Huey’s face. So Huey was literally left red and brown faced.

Ever desperate to court controversy Brian Moloko from one riff wonders glam thieves Placebo has declared his intention to steel David Beckham from Posh Spice Victoria. In an emotional statement to ‘The Virginian’ Yesterday Moloko said that he looks so much better than Posh in PVC and could teach David the myriad art of ball control and how to learn not to dribble before he shoots. Posh spice today declined to comment instead glowering at the assembled Paparazzi and then smiled that smile that makes her look like a burns victim BSE ridden Pig with cling film stretched over it’s snout.

Manic Street Preachers set was cut short at a recent gig in London when the bands MOTHERS ran onstage and began slapping them across the back of their legs and dragging them off stage by their ears A spokesman for the Manics’ Mums said they did it because of the bands exponentially enlarged egos and bloated over aggrandised sense of self importance One particular incenced mother type stared yelling ‘What price now, for a shallow piece of dignity’ what the shit is that all about…. The theory of their arrogance is indeeed borne out by the Manics new single, to be called…’I’m so full of ANGST my leg just fell off.

Midget Snickerers BIS had a close call when one of their Chad Valley Bontempi organs cought fire sending a poisonous gas out over the crowd that coused spontaneious mass folicular defoliation. Security guards were brushing away the dead hair when a sculpturist specialising in using only found materials weaved the mass of dead hair into a huge 68 foot phallus

James the band was hit by a tragedy when the skinny vegan lead singer snapped at a recent gig in my front room on Tuesday Week. He snapped clean in two WHILST doing that ridiculous spindly dance he does bits of him floated out over the crowd like so much conffetti or light dandruff

Shed 7 hit the stage in Castlemilk to guffaws of laughter and the band couldn’t understand why until someone pointed out that the lead singer had toilet roll hanging out of the back of his trousers from his last visit to the little boys room he pulled out the offending bog roll only to discover a bit of dried shit on the end that he had forgotten to wipe. He threw the shitty paper out over the crowd and it landed in Maureen from ‘Driving Schools’ mouth. TRUE.

Fatboy Slim ( A nineties Jive Bunny) flew into a jealous rage when he cought Mr Blobby kissing Zoe Balls Ring. THE ENGAGEMENT RING which cost Fatboy a million quid was on her finger at the time but that didn’t deter fatboy from spraying the Blobby with hydrocloric acid which meands that the operator

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