Dogs are to be used to combat the increasing problem of women, an MP was said to have claimed last Monday. Reports state that after downing several lumps of anthracite smokeless coal at a party conference, Rasclat Shire-fire of Turnberry North shouted that border collies should be used to round up the increasing number of women who are wandering around malls, shopping willy nilly. These wandering women should be corralled in human-safe pens and placated with biscuits.
A controversial new method of burial is being pioneered in Scotland. Cemeteries are full to bursting and land is in short supply so the recently dead are being interred curled up in barrels, sometimes three to a barrel. Michael Stem Lover leader of the Coffin Boys Club in Scotland condemned the practice as 'like trying to run an egg and spoon race with a smoking gun jammed up your anal aperture'
Tony Blair was left with his hair standing on end and a nasty stinging sensation in his Little Captain on Thursday after a prankster from the Tory party had apparently gained entry to the labour party's wing of parliament and wired the urinal system up to the mains electricity supply, without an earth wire connection.
When Mr Blair went to the gents to relieve himself, 240 volts of domestic electricity shot up his piss and blasted him across the room to crash against a hand dryer on the far wall which slapped him hard on the back of his head. Michael Portillo was seen later the same day with his trousers pulled down to show off his 'Builders Arse'.
Irish pop siblings The Corrs are clones, who are literally rolled off a production line. A reporter uncovered the truth when he inadvertently wandered into an 'access denied' area before a recent performance in Atlanta. He opened the door onto a massive underground silo with two enormous rows with as many as 18 hundred Corrs lined up, feed tubes sticking out of their noses ready to step up onto the stage when one of the current Corrs starts to mutate. The genetic problems mean that any one Corr only lasts about 5 weeks before it starts to show signs of instability and madness. The early signs are said to be a dramatic over application of black eyeliner.
Robbie Williams has given up his pop and celebrity lifestyle to concentrate on being a 'Used Dog Salesman'. He's had enough of the ephemeral nature, transient status and fleeting nature of success and decided that he'd prefer trading in used dogs. The Used Dog Society are treating Mr Williams newfound interest with a dose of scepticism. Andrea Scrunt, chairwoman said last week.., 'Robbie Williams might be good at entertaining you but it doesn't follow that he'd be any use in the field of used dogs. He might be rubbish at it. Look what happened to Peter Andre he set the Used Dog Society back 12 years'.
The Trainspotting team are to make a new movie based in Scotland based on a production of a movie in Scotland about heroin addicts. The tale is of a young director wanting to make a story about heroin addicts in Scotland, but he can't find any locations or actors or crew that aren't already making a story about heroin addicts in Scotland.
A man walking his dog in Queens Park in Glasgow's South Side uncovered a black box in the herbaceous bushes. The police and various scientific experts were called in to examine the mystery black box and after extensive carbon dating and sonar echoes it was ascertained that the box contains Sharlene Spiterri's missing personality. Ms Spiterri's personality has been missing since the late 80's and her record company has spent nearly 14 years carefully covering up and disguising the fact with ghost written songs and expensive designer interview techniques. A spokesman today told reporters that they were all relieved to have Charlene's personality back but added that the search was still on for Charlene's missing sense of humour and sex appeal. If you spot any strange black boxes, whatever you do, don't investigate yourself get a qualified person to give it a poke with the toe of his Doc Marten.
Chris Evens has finally come clean regarding his controversial love affair with teen pop sensation Billie Pied Piper Speaking from his CB radio in his Vauxhall Astra, Chris said he decided to get serious with Billy after she had casually mentioned that her excessively broad face had been picking up illegal European cable channels. Quick as a flash Chris whipped her 'round his gaff and plugged her into the Aerial, and true to her word, Ms Piper started receiving dodgy European porn via her massively disproportionate head. Chris was tickled pink. Chris then noticed that it was Christmas Day and Titanic was on the telly, Imagine his surprise when they DIDN'T cut the scene featuring a topless Kate Winslett, aired well before the watershed we might add. Chris popped out his 'Little Captain' and rapidly 'Beat One Off' over the TV, His Granny, sitting in the nearby armchair, wasn't best pleased. That Christopher eh?
The All Saints Have Reformed! Yes! Thank Christ for that. And in order to avoid future misunderstandings regarding 'Who wears what' at whatever public event they show up at, the band have had lawyers draw up a kind of 'Group pre-nuptial agreement' the contract specifies that they all wear, at all time exactly the same clothes. The clothes in question were chosen by top haute coutuorist Melvin Clitty-Twice-Moron and after extensive research and literally Shedloads of money he came up with 'a one off unique design'ŠAn all in one body stocking in shiny dark brown. The girls are contractually obliged to attend any event or performance in said brown body stockings and for added humilty they must curl up in little balls on the floor mimicking four perfectly tapered turds, their personal assistant would be on hand to spray the prone Saints with hot water to create that hazy freshly laid number two fat turd rising steam effect.