NARRATOR COMMENTS/LINKS

NARRATOR: INTRODUCTION 

Welcome PLEBS. 2012 what a year! Royal downpours, Royal baps, Royal bellends and Royal ball-bags. And then there was the sport. Sport, sport, sport and yet more fucking sport.  

My perception of disability issues has been raised by the Para-Olympics whilst the Innocence of Muslims film has (‘jolly laugh’ in voice) ‘corrupted my understanding of Islam forever’. But a MY-OWN FAITH remains strong … Kim Kardashians’ arse defies all rational scientific explanations. 

We’ve corralled a random cross section of the great, the good and the emotionally needy to comment on and cast a critical eye over some big, small, surreal and arse-backwards stories that broke throughout the year. 

Stories that stuck in the throat like part-digested-bacon-rind. (Chokes on bacon rind) I’m choking. Can someone give me a darned good punch in the small of the back please? Come on! Where’s PC Harwood when you need him? (Coughs up bacon rind) 

Narrator + links 

1 –CLINT EASTWOOD AND CHAIR

Clint talks to empty chair at Republican National Convention.

NARRATOR: He was famous for playing ‘the man with no-name’, who said virtually nothing throughout a long-run of classic American movies…. I bet he wishes he’d kept his mouth-shut when he wandered onto stage at the US Republican Party Conference- and started yapping to a (fucking) chair.

‘Make My Day’? More like ‘What Day is it? or ‘Hey PUNK? Make my Ready-brek sweet & milky’

People can get committed for talking to inanimate objects Clint. In future, try to avoid chairs and Mitt Romney’s wife. 

ADDITIONAL: 

1 NARRATOR: We couldn’t afford the (whole) clip, but we’ve got a chair that’s similar to the one Clint talked to. (Shot of chair, nothing like the original chair) 

2 NARRATOR – (QUIET LIKE DAVID ATTENBOURGH DOING WILDLIFE DOC) it shows what a consummate thespian Clint is: Eastwood breathed life into a motionless, static -chair, whilst our chair is just… ‘bumhole’.

2 PLEBGATE 

NARRATOR Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell, when confronted with a locked gate and an on-duty police-constable who wouldn’t open it, resorted -in typical, British class-based manner- by calling the policeman a PLEB. 

Does he think we’re all philistines? Luckily, the PC had his internet phone to hand, and was able to Google Pleb immediately  - which nearly resulted in a PC Harwood style ‘kicking’  for Bolshy MP Mitchell- whose nickname when he schooled at Rugby, was ‘Thrasher’

Ed Miliband taunted David Cameron over the ‘Pleb-Gate’ controversy calling him weak; Ed claimed Cameron was unable to control his own party. Eventually, due to political pressure, Thrasher reluctantly resigned.  After his less-than-apologetic, apology. 

ADDITIONAL: 

It’s not so easy for a strict disciplinarian like Thrasher to bend over and take it like a man is it? Come on you Tory whip, squeal like a pig. You wanted to BE PM. Now you’ll be known as (awkwardly) ‘wrong-gate-PC pleb-thrasher’….Get on yer bike, Mitchell…You won’t be-needing a special pass to get in Parliament your career is fucked. 

3 MITT ROMNEY

Narrator: During the Presidential Race to the Whitehouse, challenger Mitt Romney tried a few of his witty one-liners on a warm Republican audience: (Clip: run it ONCE to hear it & see it) ….the warmth quickly evaporated…. (Run it AGAIN with added lonely wind and tumbleweed after ‘punchline’) 

It’s all about timing Mitt. Timing and Material. Timing and Material and Charisma. And Jokes. 

Since he lost the presidential race, maybe Mitt should have a go at stand-up comedy or after-dinner speaking? (Clip: Romney slags off 47% of Americans) 

ADDITIONAL: Mitt could invite a few of his pals along to entertain the crowds. (Clip: Meatloaf & pals sing badly) Jesus, it’s like the top-deck on Last City-Bus home on a Friday Night. It’s Romney and his gang of drunken, dipshit goons shouting again. Watch out, they’ll have their cocks out in a-minute… 

4- PASTY TAX

NARRATOR: Hey YOU!? Politicians! You can close our hospitals, run-down our schools, and hike up the price of fuel. But you just TRY putting a Tax on our pasties and we’ll rise up and make you eat your words… And that stinking pasty too! … (Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it, eat IT!) 

So what if David Cameron ate a Cornish pasty? Get a couple of Gingsters down your gullet you pasty faced tit-napper. 

(Animate sequence?) Look at all these hungry politicians, lining up to eat some CHAV-food.  They wouldn’t know a Greggs from a hole in the floor! There’s a tanning salon next door, they should pop in for a quick session, they look like they’ve just walked out of a zombie-film-set. They’ll be down Victoria Wine next, buying bottles of White Lightning and 20 Superking Menthol. Yeah, just put in the blue bag, we’ll drink it down the park by the disabled bogs. Come on we’re as chavy and as plebby as you! 

5 - FUEL DUTY U TURN

NARRATOR Like a lamb to the slaughter: hapless Junior Minister, Chloe Smith found herself face to face with Jeremy Paxmans’ probing hectoring questioning, regarding Chancellor George Osbornes’ sudden U Turn on fuel duty. 

At one point during the excruciating questioning it seems Ms Smith might have actually been a little bit sick in her own mouth. (find that clip!?) Well handled, Chloe, just managed to swallow it back and take a swig of water to keep it down. Now I feel sick….

6 DAVID CAMERON ON DAVID LETTERMAN

Narrator: ‘Dave’ meets Dave, and blunders through some basic ‘Britishness’ Q&A’s. He didn’t know the name of the composer of ‘Rule Britannia’ for Gods’ sake. Unforgivable! Call yourself a Britisher? We all know it was Jarvis Cocker. Churchill would be spinning in his grave; Harold Macmillan would be eating his hat and Barbara Windsors’ left-tit would fly off. 

He didn’t know how to translate Magna Carter into English either? (angry over-reaction) He’s less than shit on my shoe. 

7 Obama Singing: Sweet Home Chicago.

Narrator: If you really want to win over the public, you’ve got to be able to belt out a classic blues at the drop of a hat…(Clip) With legends like Buddy Guy, BB King and Mick Jagger looking on, Barak Obama demurs’ perfectly for a few bars, then effortlessly lets rip and wows his audience. Is there ANYTHING this man can’t do? How about reverse the US deficit and fix the US economy? No? Okay then. But he does have a lovely singing voice. Can you imagine David Cameron trying that? “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” 

8 - GREEK POLITICAL FIGHT

NARRATOR: This rabidly aggressive and bigoted member of Greeces’ right-wing Golden Dawn Party couldn’t control himself when Liana Kanelli challenged his views on a live television debate.  Ilias Kasidiaris’ thuggish response was to chuck water over a fellow panellist and then slap and punch Kanelli: a member of the Greek Parliament, whilst fellow panellists look on in disbelief. Twat the twatting twat! 

9 DAVID CAMERON JOINS TWITTER

 NARRATOR: (With crap Cameron ‘posh’ accent) ‘Had a GREAT PMQT’s today, totally OWNED Miliband LOL”…. 

How the FUCK do they expect a Politician to keep a sentence UNDER 140 characters? 

Cameron on Twitter: another example of shameless political populism which backfired spectacularly, resulting in a tidal wave of Tweets calling Cameron a Wanker. Oh, the joys of unfettered democracy! I will follow Cameron immediately prepare to be astounded by a 140 character swearword. “Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…………”

10 Paraguayan Football Brawl 36 Players sent off. 

Two players ignored the refs’ Red Cards and continued fighting on the pitch, so the rest of the team-members joined in. THAT’S camaraderie that is! Why bother with a ball? Just let ‘em get on with it. ‘Natural Selection’ I call it. Only the strongest survive. ..And get picked for the National Squad. 

11 Communist Obama

Americas’ Proud Tradition of insular, geopolitically retarded, commie hating jingoistic stupids.

People often complain that Americans have no sense of geography. Apparently they don’t know the names of any countries outside the US border. That’s actually a very unfair assumption: As they know Sweet FA about world history or politics either. Check out this crazy old bat. (clip) Maybe the next time she should shout our ‘Satanist’ she might be able to explain that a little easier.  

12 - OLYMPICS 

NARRATOR: When the politicians and press eventually shut up and stopped their petty bitching and the Olympians finally started competing in the Games, a collective National cloud perceptibly lifted, and our mood –right across the whole country- seemed to visibly lighten (pause)  Except for me of course. I hate all sport. Apart from football. 

· Too many posh, privileged ponces for my liking (Bert Le Clos’ Father disproves this theory) 

· And the BBC Stiff-Upper-Lip Style of Presentation (clip of presenters going mad at Mo Farah win)

· ..A semi-fascistic display of national pride aligned to unattainable examples of physical perfection? (Cuban Pole Vaulters Pole Breaks)

· I think Bradley Wiggins should be the Sports Personality of the decade. He’d never get ideas above his station, he’s always down to earth, Wiggins would never put himself above us. (Clip Wiggins on Throne)

· Still, it wouldn’t be a British event without a few honest to goodness organisional arse-ups!(Wrong Flags Korean, Russian High Jumper loses shirt) 

· And cock-ups. (Rower erection pic)

· And for all the Olympic Spirit some competitors didn’t seem to see it in purely noble terms. It was win at any cost, even if you have to lose to win! Seemingly a tactic the English Squad have been employing for years. (Badminton Teams throwing games) 

13 Boris Zipwire/Hecklers 

Of course loathe him or hate him, Boris Johnson is always good for a bit of comedy. Not sure I like his new-act though. Bantering with hecklers is more Jimmy Carr isn’t it? Stick to quoting Greek philosophers Boris and leave the physical comedy to Ken Livingston! 

14 LEVESON INQUIRY? 

15 John Terry: 

After a three-match suspension for violent conduct John Terry was banned from playing the final game of the Champions League.  But when his team won, the little tyke snuck back in the changing rooms, popped his kit on and grabbed the trophy to celebrate with his teammates! Good old JT: 

When they said ‘take one for the team’ he thought they meant the Trophy! And he’ll slip one to his teammates’ wives too, given half a chance. The dirty dog! He’s not that bad, just don’t turn your back on him. Ask Alexis Sánchez, Wayne Bridge & Anton Ferdinand. 

16 FOOTBALL FLASH (STILL IMAGE)

NARRATOR: There’s NOTHING a British football fans won’t do to help his team out in a moment of crisis: So when it looked distinctly dodgy during penalties for England v Ukraine a bloke positioned himself behind the goalmouth unzipped his flies and flashes his ‘Little Captain’ in a brave attempt to put-off Ukrainian striker Alessandro Diamanti, with 2 and a quarter inches of proud pink British flesh. Alas it didn’t work. Maybe if England had shown some balls during the match the anonymous fan could’ve kept his ‘Striker’ under wraps? 

17 - PARALYMPICS 

NARRATOR: George Osborne shows genuine surprise when he gets resolutely booed during the Paralympics Awards Ceremony. He actually looks around for someone to blame! 

He Junquan - Chinese swimmer with no arms comes 2nd in race

Jody Cundy - Rage at being disqualified. 

NARRATOR: After all the hard work & training, Jody Cundy was disqualified for a false start on the line. Cundy was beside himself with rage, indignation and swearing, Cundy, said the judges’ rash decision had ‘ruined his life’. 

When challenged about the decision, the judges were adamant, claiming that Cundy didn’t have a leg to stand on. He’d broken the rules and must now pay the price. 

Weightlifter in wheelchair pushed out – but no ramp for him. (Used in Last Leg)

NARRATOR: “Health & Safety, no-one’s going on that stage without the accredited member of staff in attendance at all times. I don’t care HOW LONG you’ve been training. You’re not-allowed up there without a HI-VIZ jacket and some steel toe caps on…

18- 19th CENTURY FRESCO

Pensioner - CECILLIA JIMENEZ’s attempts at restoring a 19th Century Fresco go horribly wrong. 

(Narrator has grave reverential sombre ‘art-historian’ tone) Gaze at Elias Garcia Martinez 100 yr old work, Ecce Homo: ‘Behold the Man’. (Screen-wipe) Now look, at it? Behold the Gibbon more-like! Looks like George Lucas has been at it!

NARRATOR Ironically, after Cecilia Gimenez ‘ less than artful ‘resto-desecration’, the little churchs’ attendances have gone through the roof. Which also needs a lick of paint. 

Church authorities are considering sending the 80 year old up a ladder with a paint roller and tin of emulsion, Jimenez claimed she can knock off a replica of the Sistine Chapel in 20 minutes. 

Her inspired, strangely beguiling malformed clay-like face has since ‘desecrated’ artworks as diverse as the Mona Lisa, The Last Supper and (appropriately) The Scream….It’s eyes…they  seem to follow you around the room?! 

19 JEREMY HUNT BREAKS CEREMONIAL BELL (PRE-OLYMPICS)

NARRATOR:  - Tory Jeremy Hunt breaks a ceremonial bell with his vigorous wrist action. He nearly knocked a woman unconscious with his ‘bell-end’ antics too – It’s almost a shame he hadn’t hit her, she could’ve called ambulance chasers, Accident Direct and said she’d ‘just been twatted-by- ‘cunt-Hunt’

20 – ROYAL NUDES- Prince Harry Naked 

NARRATOR: Due to legal issues we can’t show you ALL the Prince Harry bollocky pictures, so here’s a pic of a ‘Penis Snake’ instead…. – (OR ‘here’s a pic of a REAL ‘prick’ and it’s a pic of the Duke of Edinburgh)

NARRATOR: He’s a-loose cannon, a Jack the Lad/Royal who’s not afraid to run his pink flag up the pole, pool cue or an Australian Sheila for that matter. We can’t -for legal reasons-show you the actual photographs, so here, instead, is the actual Pool Table over which dangled the 2nd in Line to the Thrones’ ballbag. 

Whatever it was: It’s a game of pool that clearly wasn’t following the same rules laid out in my Local. 

The witty observation’ What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ has now been amended to: ‘What happens in Vegas travels throughout the world via the World-Wide-Web in mere seconds. 

Kate Middleton: Topless Pics

NARRATOR: ‘Read all about it’? NOT! In the UK anyway. French press print pictures, Italian press follow suit.  And here was I, thinking that the internet was the vanguard of democratic freedom of information, an open- platform for the equitable exchange of knowledge and ideas… And I couldn’t find those ruddy Kate Middleton tit-pictures anywhere.

21 – 50 SHADES of GREY

NARRATOR: The British Are Repressed. There, I’ve said it. We’re all too uptight and anally retentive. It’s bad for you. You need to un-flex that tension. Shake-it-out! Start by relaxing that pelvic floor muscle. It’s easy. Just wink your rectum. You can do it - the next time you’re in a cashpoint queue or whilst sat on the couch. In-fact, I’m winking (my anus) right now…join me…1, 2, 3 FLEX…123 UNFLEX…123 Flex...123 unflex etc…Feel the burn in your ass. 

50 Shades of Grey -was the mummy porn, S&M slap’n’tickle success story of 2012, punching all literary competition right in the cock whilst thumbing its nose at punctuation, grammar and sentence construction. (laughingly) You don’t need to worry about the ‘Queens English’ when you’ve got a toothbrush wedged up your arsecrack. 

I don’t actually know if ‘toothbrushes up arse-cracks’ feature in the book, frankly, I wouldn’t be seen dead reading such low-brow pseudo-porn drivel. Look, I’m a man, if I want sexual gratification; I go on the internet- like everybody else:

22 - PUSSY RIOT

The arrest and conviction of members of Pussy Riot in Russia. (Compilation of ‘posh’ news/continuity presenters having trouble saying ‘Pussy Riot’.

The band members are jailed for 2 years, in ‘lenient’ Russian sentence- after Putin is said to have interceded. 

NARRATOR Lipstick Lesbians was so 1990’s. This year, it’s Russian Hard-Line-Anarcho/Punk/Feminist Jailed Lesbians! Madonna and Lady Gaga are keen supporters. Why didn’t Gaga & Madonna offer to do the jail time for Pussy Riot? A couple of years in a Russian GULAG would give them a healthy perspective. 

23 - 11 YEAR OLD BOARDS PLANE

News reports - 11 year old boarding plane to Rome without being noticed.

11-year-old Liam Corcoran passed through security at Manchester Airport on Wednesday without being checked and successfully boarded a Jet2.com plane bound for Rome.

NARRATOR: An unattended 11 year old boy boards plane. He would’ve got away with it too, if he hadn’t made a joke about blowing up his model railway….

The next time I want to smuggle some crack cocaine through customs, I’ll get that little rascal to do it.

24 FLOODED BRITAIN 

NARRATOR Global Warming, word-wide floods, deluges, Royal Jubilee FUCKED WITH. How did we get nearly halfway through the Moments of 2012 WITHOUT talking about the weather? We’re Brits for buggering sake, where would we-be WITHOUT the weather to bitch about? So, here’s some SHIT BRITISH WEATHER. (montage)

When I win the lottery and retire I’m going to follow in the footsteps of Chavs since the 1960’s, I’m off to Spain. (Spain has been hit particularly badly with comprehensive flooding)...for fuck’s sake. Greece then? (Same here!) 

25- 100 YEAR OLD BRIDE

NARRATOR: Allegedly the groom is ‘too scared’ to consecrate marriage, just in case he breaks her pelvis. I hope he signed a Pre-Nup! They should do a Viagra Advert. Anyway, leave them alone, that’s what I say, whatever makes you happy in this goddamn unforgiving cold, old cruel world. Live and let live is what I say….

26 DANCING POLAR BEAR – Not quite the internet sensation that was Psy. Maybe the bear should try some Gangnam Style moves? 

26 BREAST FED DOG 

NARRATOR No! This is absolutely unforgivable. Disgusting. It’s disgraceful. I mean I can’t get a girlfriend for love nor money and this bastarding DOG is getting TOP? Absolutely shameful. 

27 TEACHER PILES THEM IN 

Talking of ‘Health & Safety’ (?) what was this teacher thinking cramming her whole class into the back of her hatchback? It’s ridiculous. She should just get a ROOFRACK and strap a few on-top! 

28 JIMMY CARR – TAX EVASION

NARRATOR: He was well known for his witty, insightful and edgy put downs of pompous, corrupt politicians & public figures on C4’s the 10’OCLOCK SHOW. But his own world came crashing down when the public got wind of his own dodgy -barely legal- wheeler-dealing. 

SO, THE QUESTION IS: DID CHARLIE BROOKER DOWNLOAD A HALO WALKTHROUGH OR NOT?

How can we ever trust our comedians again? I thought it was just Politicians, Businessmen and Bankers who were the cunts. Now you’re telling me our Comics are cunts too? I’m going home to burn all my Michael Macintyre DVD’s. Gutted. 

29 DIAMOND JUBILEE

NARRATOR: Look at this bunch of inbred, chronically retarded-out-of-touch chinless half-wits. Oh, sorry, I thought the Tory Party Conference clip was up next. 

Nice to see the Royals getting down. I think Prince Charles should do the next series of Strictly. Personally, I’d only watch Strictly if they got Baroness Thatcher on. I’m sure the public would pay good money to see the Iron Lady doing the splits on Anton du Bekes face. 

Good to see the Royals bearing up under the inclement weather: I suppose they’re used to it, spending winter in Balmoral. It shows how hardy a breed they are….. Here’s hoping Prince Phillip doesn’t die before this is aired. 

Cheryl Cole out of tune singing. 

NARRATOR: In fairness, Cheryl’s not really known for her singing voice is she? She’s more-well known for…erm…being a stoic Northerner with a faithless, cheating, racism-denying ex-husband.

Lenny Henry interrupts Rolf Harris singing Two Little Boys (put in with Adele interruption?) 

NARRATOR: Jesus Lenny, Rolf’s a National Institution! You’ll never work again! You’ll be doing your ‘critically lauded’ Shakespeare s’ 12th Night–in the bath at the Manchester Premier Inn forever. 

Bit of advice for you Lenny, next time, just pick up the didgeridoo and join in with Rolf. Can’t be any worse than Rob Brydens set…

30 - X FACTOR RYLAN CLARKE: HYSTERICAL 

Text Warning: Warning: Prolonged exposure to this clip could make you homophobic.  

NARRATOR- my theory is that he’s actually a ‘gay acting straight guy’. 

31 - EUROVISION –RUSSIAN WOMEN SINGERS WIN 

NARRATOR: Obviously they travel easily, as they all fit inside each other! Boom-Boom! 

After the heady heights of Eurovision it must be hard for them to go back to potato picking and pig pickling. Of course it’s a hard life; the Little Wizened One in the Middle is only 25 years old! 

32 - ADELE GIVES THE FINGER TO THE BRITS

NARRATOR: 2012 was an incredible year for pop chanteuse Adele –an Ivor Novello, 12 Gongs at the Billboard Awards, and 6 Grammys. But all she’ll be remembered for is giving the ‘finger’ at the shitting BRIT AWARDS. 

The Finger Adele? That’s way too ‘American’ a gesture Adele! Should’ve done the classic (British) Churchill ‘V’ Sign, or maybe even a full bodied ‘Up Yours’ arm thrust gesture.  I’ve got it! You should’ve MOONED THEM… Get yer Golden Globes out Adele. Give ‘em a face-full of arse. 

MAYAN PRPHECY - GENERIC LINK IN/OUT ADVERT LINK/BREAKS

NARRATOR: 2012 was the year when the world was going to end –well, according to a 5000 year old Mayan Prediction it was- and maybe it did? I’m actually recording this voiceover in November 2012, the Mayan worlds-end prediction is for Dec 21st so, and IT might END YET. And this programme might never get aired…. Fuck the lot of you; I’m off to take a big shit off a tall building

33– JULIA GILLARD TRIPS AND FALLS WHILST VISIT GHANDIS GRAVE IN INDIA

NARRATOR: To quote TheSuperPsychoKiller on YouTube:  ”People falling is funny. Politicians falling is more funny.”

NARRATOR: You can take the girl out of Australia, but she still can’t walk in high-heels. 

(Blow by Blow to slow-mo clip) What we have here, is in fact, a near perfect A.O.T Incident: Gillard moves from concrete-path onto grass, her heel gets stuck IN the grass, her shoe comes off and hey-presto/bobs your uncle; A CLASSIC (AOT) ARSE OVER TIT MOMENT. 

Julia Gillard is such an absolute firebrand even seeing this clip several times over doesn’t detract from her brilliance. Roll the clip again. I LOVE YOU Julia! I don’t care if you’re occasionally AB - that’s Arse-Backwards. 

34 - MADONNA/MARINE LE PEN SPAT

Nazi swastika symbol flashed over Marine Le Pens face at Madonna gig

NARRATOR: Increasingly desperate controversialist Madonna attempts to bring down the French National Front by portraying party leader Marine Le Penn with a swastika super-imposed on her face. The Material Girls’ European Tour was plunged into controversy when the French Far-Right Party threatened to sue for defamation, so Madonna removed the swastika for the Paris gig. Phew, that was a close-call, It’s alright defending the right of say, Pussy Riot:  jailed for opposing state oppression in Russia, but it’s quite another to risk prison yourself. Especially in France. I’ve seen Midnight Express. That was France wasn’t it? Anyway, I’ve got to get my tit out in Istanbul. Not to mention calling Obama a Black Muslim. WTF? I’m Madonna; I’m controversial… I’ll just whip out a tit or flash my minge, that’ll keep ‘em talkin’ 

35 MIA Finger Superbowl

At number 35: Some dead eyed pop star gesticulates during the Superbowl:  

Broadcaster NBC had this to say … “We apologize for the inappropriate gesture that aired during halftime; it was a spontaneous gesture that our delay system caught late.” Spontaneous? Are you sure? It seems to-be the quickest way to generate a shedload of publicity…Flipping the finger is about as spontaneous as Madonnas’ wandering tit flopping about all over Istanbul. Get that bap back in its bag Madonna. 

36 GANGNAM STYLE

Not only was it YouTube’s’ ‘Most Liked’ clip of all time, it’s hats off to Korean rapper Psy for having the most imitated dance moves of 2012 too. Everyone was copying his ‘horsey dance’ from poshos at Eton, to Dermott O’Leary & Filipino prisoners. Even Banki Bastard Moon got in on the act. Just don’t let Cheryl Cole anywhere near it Psy, she’ll kill it stone dead. (Menacingly) She’s a vibe killer. You got me Psy. Cole is a VIBE KILLER. 

37 JUSTIN BEIBER/LADY GAGA - VOMITERS (backup Moment?) 

I KNOW, it’s only rock’n’roll but I like it! Yes I do. Not so much that I puke though. That’s too rock’n’roll. I’m on the Artists side here. They’re tired, worked into the ground; barely manage to grab a spaghetti carbonnara before they jump onstage to jump around for 90 minutes. Its no-wonder they’re occasionally prone to a spot of projectile vomiting! 

These troopers boke-up their entire GUTS and soldier on regardless. That’s show business. Do you think Freddie Mercury would’ve pulled a show ‘cos he felt a bit queasy? He had full-blow-AIDS and he managed to perform! If I hear of someone crying off ‘cos of a headcold or flu, I remind them of that fact…

38 BABY TALK –BEYONCE/JAY Z & SNOOKIE BABIES

Beyonce and Jay Z show off Blue Ivy Carter to the world. Thank God, the baby looks like HER. Jay Z is a multi-millionaire. 

SNOOKI FROM JERSEY SHORE HAS BABY LORENZO: Poor little fuckin’ sod. The baby’s probably got a higher IQ than his mother! 

39 HONEY BOO BOO

(Drumroll) Some call it car-crash television; others call it ‘carnage’ television.  WHATEVER. She’s the most well-known seven-year old in America. It’s Alana Thomson -formerly of Toddlers and Tiaras- now with a show all her own:  ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’. 

Okay, they’re all as fat as fuck, and Honey Boo Boo looks like she has a jaw like a python-a jaw she can dislocate, in-order to fit a whole chicken in her mouth. But once you get over your own inbred prejudice against fat, loud, vacuous, trashy, useless Americans, you come to realise they’re actually quite a happy, supportive, sweet close family unit. So, before you accuse them of shallow ‘rednecked’ bigotry…. know thyself! 

40 HULK HOGAN SEX-TAPE

This ex-wrestler was known for his colourful and garish tracksuits, his mane of silver hair and loud bullish personality, but we knew-nothing about his previous sexual history did we? …. (Pause)  It’s Hulk Hogan. 

Hogan Hogan came to prominence when a sex-tape leaked on the internet showing the silver-haired hunk getting fluffed to tumescence by Heather Clem, the ex-wife of his best friend, radio DJ Bubba the Love Sponge. Hulk huffs and puffs his way to a Happy Ending! Hulk Smash? Hulk SPLASH more like! Give him a count of 10 ref, he might get back up! 

41 STRATOS JUMP/FELIX BAUMGARTEN JUMP

Felix Baumgarten was fed up of being ridiculed because his last-name sounds like BUMGARDEN so he decided to teach his bullies a lesson by jumping from 24 miles up, reaching Mach 1.24 (that’s 834 MPH!)He also holds the record for the highest in-suit defecation and the longest recorded swear-word in history (clip: “FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!”)

42 RHIANNA PICS: DOES BLOW OFF BOUNCERS HEAD

If Gaga’s vomiting, Rihanna’s’ rolling up some suspect substance on her bouncers bald-head! Could it be cocaine? Or grass? Or Speed? It’s probably Regaine. That’s a popular brand of Hair-Restorer….maybe it’s a bit of Ri-Ris’ Vomit? Sell it on eBay! 

 I’M A CELEBRITY

……………………………? ……………………..

ITV/GRANADA

44 KONY MELTDOWN 

NARRATOR:

Jason Russell, a devout evangelical Christian, was detained by San Diego police after being spotted running around nude in the street, screaming and interfering with traffic. Police said they had received several reports of him making sexual gestures & masturbating. I didn’t know Christianity could be such fun! Where do I sign-up? 

Russell claims he’d lost-the-plot, after his video exposing Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony went viral and was criticized for inaccuracies. What better way to silence your detractors than to run about the street with your cock, balls and arse on show! 

45 Angelina Jolie Split Skirt: 

NARRATOR: She might be one of the worlds’ most successful, desirable and a happily married, member of Hollywood’s ‘Beautiful People’, but it’s reassuring to know that Angelina Jolie can still make a proper tool of herself too. (Pic) What an effing daft old PLANK…

46 Let’s Dance For Sports Relief: Ulrika Jonsson and Angelos Epithemiou Dance Tango for Sport Relief-(ROXANNE FROM MOULIN ROUGE)

NARRATOR:

It’s ‘Tango & Snatch’…. They throw some moves and prove that hot-blooded Greeks and Cool as Ice Swedes mix perfectly together. On the dancefloor. In ‘real-life’ they absolutely hate each other. I don’t know if that’s true or not, it just makes the dancing more exciting! 

47 Britains Got Talents: Ashleigh & Pudsey. 

Narrator: How do you melt the cold as steel/coal black heart of Simon Cowell? Simple. Show him a dancing dog that’s how! Ashleigh & Pudsey are a TONIC to the deep alienation and emptiness that lurks in the psyches of people throughout the UK. Get a dancing dog on the News that’s what I say! Newsnight could have a St Bernard sitting in the studio, and Prime Ministers Question Time would be a lot better with a pack of attack dogs running around howling and shitting up the place. 

49 WOOKIE DANCES 

NARRATOR: Science Fiction conventions can be, more-often-than-not an excuse for fans to dress up as their favourite characters and enjoy themselves without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. You can act-out your deepest fantasies pretending to be an Imperial Storm-Trooper, Darth Vader, Dr Who or Batman. Being a Wookie is perfectly acceptable. But being FEMALE? That’s definitely a no-no. Women at Sci-Fi Conventions are rarer than Hens teeth; you’d have as much chance seeing an Albino Unicorn run through the place as a female! Pure Fantasy…. 

50 SQUIRREL JUMPS AROUND KITCHEN THEN OUT OF WINDOW

NARRATOR this is what happens when a squirrel eats all the sugar and coffee in your kitchen. He has a complete Kony Moment, and leaps out the window, 5 floors up! That’s going to be quite some comedown! 

51 Osborne nods his head to Keene on Andrew Marr Show. 

NARRATOR: In order to appear slightly ‘normal’ George Osborne spots the camera and decides to act like he’s ‘really getting into it’ – what bullshit, we all know he’s an Anal Cunt fan….or Fuck Buttons fan Or Holy Fuck fan…(they are all REAL NAMES of bands btw) 

I bet Keane are chuffed as fuck to be endorsed by a man whos’ popularity resides somewhere between Fred West & Jimmy Savile. 

52 Boy bounces OFF Trampoline

NARRATOR: A CLASSIC YouTube Clip. YES! This is what the internet was built for: Idiots injuring themselves for our amusement. Long may they continue. 

53 TARA PALMER TOMKINSON SONG: 5 MINUTES. 

NARRATOR The ex It Girl Socialite, Serial Party Goer has taken time-out to write and record this plaintive little ditty. Although, to-be-perfectly honest I don’t know what this song’s all about?,The hidden message seems to be ‘Men will let you down’ …whilst the OVERT message is:  Cocaine Destroys Your Brain & Your Face. 

55 Florida Gov. Rock Scott sent thousands of Floridians to a dirty phone sex line when he accidentally gave out the wrong number for the state's fungal meningitis hotline. 

“Look, it was just one numeric out okay?’…Yeah, yeah, well actually, it was an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT NUMBER! Governor Rock Scott (?) had a phone-sex-line number memorized?! That shows commitment to the cause! Anyway, if you have Fungal Meningitis, you might just need a reliable phone sex line; you wouldn’t want to spread the fungus around would you? Governor Rock’s a Good Samaritan isn’t he? Even fungal meningitis need sexual gratification. Here’s that number again ….01443..

56 BODYBUILDER WITH WHITE HEAD AND TANNED PHYSIQUE 

Bodybuilders regularly paint their bodies with fake tan to show off their muscle definition. Except this one went a little further and painted his face white to further define the contrast! Yeah those muscles really POP now! Except you look like you stuck your head into a pot of white paint. You fuckin’ CLOWN! Of course, I wouldn’t tell HIM that, wouldn’t want to embarrass him. 

57 WHEN PADDY MET SALLY 

Spin-off reality show where the Speaker of the House of Commons wife, Sally Berkow, moves into a caravan and lives with Paddy Doherty, winner Celeb Big Brother 2011… a posh gel and a gypsy guy – I fully expected them to have class war or rough sex or have a fight, but disappointingly they got on rather well! This isn’t what I signed up for! 

58 KIRSTEN STEWART FAN/ WILL FERRELL INTERVIEW ON CONAN

So, Kirsten Stewart has angered Robert Pattison/Twilight fans by allegedly having an affair whilst away filming. Here’s hoping that SOMETHING will put a smile on that face. 

59 SPACE SHUTTLE FINAL JOURNEY THROUGH THE STREETS OF LA. 

“Boss, I’m going to be late for work, I’m stuck behind some rich bastards space rocket”…At a reverential pace, the space shuttle Endeavour trundles through downtown LA. It’s final destination a scrap metal yard, where it’ll be broken down and turned into tin-cans for sugary Honey Boo Boo Goo Goo Juice. 

60- CANABIS PLANT FOUND BY POLICE IN GARDEN – POLICE TWEET PIC. 

Couple who bought a small green bush at a flea market were shocked when it grew into a massive cannabis plant

NARRATOR: The police considered burning the plant but didn’t want to give half of Bedfordshire the munchies! Ignorance is bliss apparently, the police aren’t pressing charges. I have a whole crop of TULIPS on my window box, I thought they were tulips! Well, I bought ‘em in Amsterdam. (Loud Sniffing/Snorting noise)

61- BLOW UP LEEDS AIRPORT TWEET

In 2010 Paul Chambers was fined £385, ordered to pay £600 in legal costs and found guilty of a criminal offence under the Communications Act over a posting he made on Twitter. Chambers' message read: "Crap! Robin Hood airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!!"

NARRATOR: This Crown Prosecution Service TWEET/Test-Case was publicly supported by several high profile, highly respected comedians. And John Bishop. 

62 CHICKEN COTTAGE AWARDS: 

Sounds like a dodgy, barely-legal brothel of ill-repute– it is in-fact a dodgy, barely legal fast-food outlet of ill-repute. 

Chicken Cottage were investigated by the BBC in 2008 who found dangerous, insanitary conditions, unrefrigerated chicken, and meat being sold past the sell-by-date in some of their 115 UK franchises. But by 2012 that didn’t deter the shareholders and shop-owners from holding a lavish dinner to celebrate the success of selling dirt cheap chicken at rock bottom prices to hungry chavs. Raise your glasses to the hungry chavs! Cheers! 

63 DAVID HAYE AND DEREK CHISORA BRAWL

Haye and Chisora brawl at a Press Conference in Munich. Haye swings at Chisora with a bottle in his hand. 

NARRATOR; It’s quite an achievement isn’t it? Being able to bring heavyweight boxing into disrepute. I didn’t think it was possible. Next you’ll be telling me that Lance Armstrong DIDN’T take performance enhancing drugs!

After the impromptu spat, boxing promoter Frank Warren quickly scheduled a fight for the two pugilists, that proved to be about as exciting as watching paint dry. Give ‘em some of whatever Jason Russell’s on 

64 THE VOICE

The Voice: Welsh bellower Sir Tom Jones, Will.I.am, Jessie J and Danny O’Donoghue are Judge, Jury and dream-makers, for this rabble of deluded hopefuls who belt out a selection of tunes to determine which of them is the owner of the aforementioned fucking ‘Voice’. Who will get a chance at a cherished record contract? 

But after the ritual humiliation we’ve seen on the X Factor, The Voice is too tame. Come on BBC, you need to make a few of them cry with shame and indignation, that’s how you win the ratings war, not name-dropping like Sir Tom. 

65 BBC DG RESIGNS: 

After a mere 54 days in the job George Entwistle steps down as DLT –Sorry- DG: Director General of the BBC amid allegations of weak leadership and journalistic incompetence. I feel sorry for Entwistle, but he really buggers things up in this fateful Radio 4 interview (with John Humphreys) recorded one day before his resignation. 

When I said ‘Buggers things up’ I feel I need to clarify: Entwistle didn’t actually bugger ANYTHING up. Not in the literal sense anyway, it’s more that he misjudged the tory party’s need to deflect attention from certain paedophile ring allegations. Instead they saw a chance to eviscerate Auntie Beeb! Paedophiles? Politics is a dirtier word sometimes. 

66 Crazy football fan woman in Rio

When the team turned up for a match, an over-keen fan decided to show the boys what for, gyrating her ample assets all over the road in front of their tour-bus. 

You wouldn’t get a fan doing this in front of Dundee United at Tannadice Park. Too cold and no-sense of natural rhythm. 

She looks like she could take the WHOLE team on. I’m sure a few British Footballers are looking on Green with envy. 

67 FACE SLAPPING TO IMPROVE SKIN-TONE

Yes, let’s make women PAY for pain, its a-brand new beauty therapy that’ll appeal to some more than others. If you happen to be a fan of S&M, give it a fucking go! 

 I might retrain. I reckon it’d get a lot of stress out of my system if I could spend 8 hours a day slapping people in the face and getting’ paid for it….

68 DAMIEN HURST – VERITY STATUE 

Ilfracombe in North Devon: a LOVELY, scenic, seaside setting, Hmm. Shall I’ll tell you what Ilfracombe needs to really make its EYES POP? A 65 foot -bronze statue of a partially dissected pregnant woman revealing its internal organs. Ah, that’s more like it! Now I can sunbathe in peace. 

The residents were very forthright in their views. Some shopkeepers said it was shit. Exactly the kind of philistine comment we’ve come to expect, whilst a middle class bloke was less plebeian, but you get the fucking idea. 

69 VERY ENTHIUSIASTIC TRAIN NUT. 

Either he doesn’t get let out much, or he’s just come up on his meta-amphetamine jabs. Whatever: it’s IN at Number (?) For all you borderline OCD sufferers, sorry, I mean, for all you Classic Train Aficionados everywhere! You must find your OWN JOY in Life. That’s it!